Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis, in the book “What Do You Say After You Say Hello?” (1972), describes the internal child in terms of the emotional, instinctive and creative sphere derived from the experiences lived during childhood.
The author created a metaphor to explain how human beings function in their relationships with themselves and with others, introducing the model of the Ego States — Parent, Adult and Child — which represent the three main ways people think, feel and behave in relation to themselves and others.
In this article, I would like to focus greater attention on the Child Ego State, based on the Transactional Analytic assumption that within each of us, the Child we once were is still alive, with their needs, dreams and wounds: listening to them means reconnecting with our truest self.
Therapy becomes a space where one has the opportunity to look within, to return to that Child who, although grown, carries scars and choices made in response to the hardships experienced during childhood.
When an adult starts therapy, it may happen that, through the therapeutic process, the part of themselves that has been “buried” over time emerges. In that moment, one can perceive an Internal Child who has lived through painful experiences, who learned to protect themselves with defence mechanisms, and who constructed a version of themselves to face the world. It is as if that person, despite being an adult, sometimes still wears the “disguise” of who they once were, trying to cope with a reality that may still feel too large or incomprehensible, just as that child once perceived it.
In therapy, it is essential to go beyond the apparent symptoms. It is not enough to stop at the behaviours and emotions that emerge in the Adult. It is crucial to recognise that behind these reactions are fragments of a history belonging to a Child who never had the chance to fully express themselves, to feel seen or loved in the way they needed. Emotional wounds, fears and past traumas can continue to influence decisions and behaviours in adulthood.
For this reason, it is vital to welcome the Adult with an empathetic relationship that does not merely diagnose or label but instead respects and understands the profound experiences of the Child they once were. The Adult sitting in front of the therapist is never just a “rational adult” but also carries within them the Child they once were, with their vulnerabilities, needs, dreams and fears.
The goal of therapy is not to force immediate change or provide quick fixes, but to accompany the adult in recognising that child, allowing them to explore and understand their life script, the unconscious decision they made at a certain point in their life to survive the circumstances they faced. Only through an empathetic and respectful therapeutic relationship can a space be created for that Child to be taken by the hand, invited into the therapy room to be heard without judgment and, if possible, supported in finding new ways to reprocess the past and build a more authentic and conscious life.
In this journey, my role as a therapist is to build a bridge between the Adult and the Child they once were, helping to heal past wounds and promote a deeper integration of the different parts of the self.