Becoming parents is one of the most intense, wonderful, difficult and transformative experiences in a person’s life. It is a revolution that affects the body, the mind and the heart. Yet it is often spoken about only in individual terms, as if the change affects just the mother or the father.
But that is not the case: when a child is born, the couple also changes, and often, more than anything else.
At the start, we promise each other “nothing will change between us”, “promise me we will keep talking”, “we will still make time for each other”. But reality, almost always, takes a different path.
Time, energy and thoughts inevitably shift towards the newborn. Between sleepless nights, feeds, nappies, constant demands and rebalancing the daily routine, you slowly find yourselves living in the same house with new roles, different priorities, and eyes that no longer meet the way they used to.
Many couples in therapy describe the same feeling:
“We have become good parenting partners, but we are no longer a couple.”
The closeness has faded. The lightness has disappeared. The intimacy, made up of small everyday gestures, seems to have vanished.
It often feels like living next to a stranger, or rather, with a flatmate who is excellent at managing the family routine, but who no longer remembers the warmth of a hug.
The point is that, in most cases of relationship crisis, love has not gone away: it is changed, gone into hiding, been put on pause.
And it can hurt. It hurts not to recognise the person beside you. It hurts to feel alone, just when you are “more of a family” than ever. It hurts to want to be two again, without knowing where to (re)start.
But it is important to say this clearly: all of this is normal. It is not a failure. It is a phase, a shift, a transformation.
And like any transformation, it requires time, dialogue and mutual care.
Finding each other again as a couple does not mean pretending nothing has changed.
It means learning how to be together within this new balance.
Making space, even small ones, to truly see each other again.
Talking. Saying: “I miss you”, “We have lost our way a bit”, “I want to find you again”.
These feelings are common, and real, in couples therapy.
Acknowledging the distance is already a first step in closing it.
The second? Stop pointing fingers and start reaching out.
Because becoming parents does not mean you stop being a couple.
You change skin, shape, rhythm. But you can still walk the path together, even in this new chapter.